Tuesday, 10 June 2014


It's been a year since I updated the blog, even longer to add anything about my creative reform!

 It's always intermittent. I relay between 'normal ill' and the severest form of 'whatever is wrong with me', and so the few hours I do get to do anything creative each week, I spend exactly on doing so and not on this blog! 

 That said, as I can't do anything creative today due to problems with my arms, I decided to upload some of the art I've made during the last 2 years. 

I haven't done anything musically other  than to start playing the piano again, but it's more '2 steps forward, 1 step back' due to acute tendonitis in both arms along with cartilage problems too. The computer that I used to do my electro acoustic music on has died, along with it the programmes that I'll never be able to replace.

I don't some more writing; I actually came 2nd in a world writing competition last year, but the progress regarding the book is very slow indeed. 

It's taken a lot of work psychologically to come to terms with the fact that I won't work again, and that had affected my motivation. I'd never be able to make a living from my creative work because it takes many months just to produce one small canvas; similarly with my writing, but I think it's important to continue to pursue it for my own well being. 

Hopefully, I'll post more as and when I can.




Tuesday, 10 July 2012

My Reformation

I've done hardly anything creative since I've finished work 3 years ago; if anyone needs to 'reform' I do.
Over 3 years I've completed little filming, because I can't hold the camera still or pan it properly, and just a few minutes of that hurt like bilio. I've finished painting 2 small pictures and started a new one, but it's a year now since I picked up a paintbrush. I've written loads of pop songs, but have never had the energy to record them or get the lyrics pinned down. I've started one electroacoustic composition, but never finished it. I started a book and only got about 5 chapters finished; I've added no more since November due to a chronic family problem that I'm having anxiety counseling for. I've written no classical compositions at all for 5 years now. All in all, I can truly say that creativity plays no real part in my life anymore, and for a creative person that's a kind of living hell.

The fear of welfare reform and the acute anxiety brought about by my personal circumstances, along with the pain, just sapped all of my creative strength. That was until 2 week ago. I don't know what happened exactly, but it has happened before; a kind of 'switch' comes on in my head.
Notwithstanding the seemingly insurmountable problems I face, I suddenly come out fighting, in realization that the only way that my life will be reformed is by me doing something about that, no matter how hard, exhausting and painful that is. 

I couldn't go on like this, slowly driving myself crazy. Day after day spent worrying about what the government were going to take away from me next. Poring over newspaper articles concerning the things that are going to affect me, and writing numerous posts underneath.  No let up in the total boredom of having to rest the majority of the time. 

About 2 weeks ago, I was writing one of these comments under a Guardian Newspaper article. I felt very strongly about it. I had left the comment box open a long time, then realised I had to phone my mum and do some other things. By the time I returned to it, ready to click on 'post comment', I thought I'd better copy and paste the text into a new document, and it was a good job since when I tried to post it a message came up 'comments now closed'. 
It was 8pm of a Friday evening, and I thought right, I'm going to build a blog and post this comment. By 12.30 am I had finished. I thought to myself, why don't you put your portfolio up there too? But it's not that easy. I have removable hard drives that I used at university, and I wasn't that good at organising my files. I procrastinate terribly, which has a lot to do with how ill it will make me if I have to look for things. I had meant to get my portfolio out there years ago, but when you're working and then coping with an illness, it's not that easy. 

So I decided on a step by step approach. That night I found all of the leads I would need, and the hard drives, and put all of the equipment together ready for Saturday, and by Sunday evening I had found most of my work.

Whilst doing so and reviewing the best recordings, an idea for a piano piece based on an electroacoustic composition I made for uni came to mind. I listened to the music again and again, and decided to start writing some of my ideas down last Friday evening.

My music degree was based on classical modernistic theory; very complicated indeed. The thing is, with not writing for 5 years I had completely forgotten how to do it! I'm slowly getting to grips with that. It will take me a long time though to produce the piece, especially if I want to record a pianist playing it, which will also cost money! 

Nevertheless, a light has been turned on in my head, and it will continue for a while I hope. Why it turns on when it feels like I'm about to lose my security and the rest of my way of life, who knows? 

What will it achieve in all reality? I'm never going to make money from it, and most likely no one will want to hear it, so what's the point? 

I think we were all born creators/creatives; whether it's about the way you arrange or decorate your home, the clothes and colours you decide to wear, or the beautiful cake you make and so on, it's all about being creative. It doesn't matter that you're not the next Van Gogh or Beethoven, but it does matter whether you find something to create that's yours alone, for no other reason than the fact that you love to do it, and you love the end product, and possibly other people will love it too. It doesn't all have to be about money and possessions: we know this, deep down inside; we know that money doesn't make us happy (but without it can be pretty miserable).

It's all part of the life that we seem to have lost over the last 40 years: why make it if you can buy it just as well? And for all that, for all that consumption, the world has still ended up in a financial mess such as has not been seen since the 1930s, and no one can see a way out.

One thing is for sure, many people will have to start making things again, and doing things for themselves; many will have to become reformed into that lost way of life. And, perhaps that won't be too much of a bad thing.

As soon as I am confident of playing a few bars for you, if dear reader I actually have any readers, I'll post the clips on my Music page tab, so keep checking, and by all means give me feed back (But please don't say it's crap! It's like telling a child that you don't want the daisies they picked for you because they're just weeds!)

Onwards: Reform!

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